Most Caregivers are just that – givers. It fulfills them to help, provide, lift up others. It is engrained in their very essence. I think that regardless of their profession, it likely shines through in such a way that others see it. They are the ones who offer a lift when a co-worker’s car is in the shop. They help someone with their files. They’re probably the one a significant portion of the “group project” falls on because they are naturally stepping up to be sure the group does well. So many other examples, but you get the idea.
It can be exceptionally difficult for someone like this to receive and nearly impossible for them to request help and support. But they need it. Probably even more than some of the people they are helping.
Here is one way to help shift the perspective…perhaps YOUR perspective: It can be a gift to allow someone else to help you.
As a giver, it is important to remember that receiving is an opportunity you are providing to others to be the one who stretches themselves a bit. It also demonstrates that you are able to relinquish some responsibility and put trust in someone else. If asking for help feels like sandpaper being rubbed the wrong way against your very soul, then shift your thinking to the fact that you are giving someone else the opportunity to feel fulfilled, to lift someone up (you!), and to be a part of making your life easier in even a small way.
How can we make this practical? Let’s give it levels like a game – hopefully the prizes will become self-evident.
Level 1: Practice NOT saying, “No thank you, I’m fine” when someone asks if they can help in any way. Yeah, that’s going to take some getting used to. Put truth into your answer. Does it have to be all the crazy dirty details? Not necessarily. But it really is ok to let someone know if you are feeling tired, frazzled, confused, frustrated, or lonely even though you are constantly with your Care Recipient. It is ok to say, “Yes, I would love some support!”.
Level 2: Identify some very tangible tasks that, while maybe not monumentous (this should really be a recognized word but I know you know what I mean even if spell check doesn’t), they are piling up on your to-do list. Help with a meal, pick someone up, stop by to chat without expecting the house to be clean, sit with the Care Recipient so you can get a little “out of the room” time…this list can go on and on. These don’t even have to be date-specific, just things that would help at any old time. Then, when someone asks if there is anything they can do, a great response is to find out if there is a day that works best for them because it would be wonderful to have them swing by, bring a meal, pick up the kids, etc.
Level 3: Identify tangible tasks that are a big deal. Things that require actual trust on your part if you were to relinquish that control and would also take a real weight off your shoulders. Help cleaning your home, taking your pet to the vet, assist with navigating finances, being someone you can vent to and cry with. These items may be for someone you have a longer and deeper relationship with and, honestly, those people in your life would likely love to have you lean on them and will rise to the challenge with grace while providing you comfort. When one of these folks ask how they can help you, they may even make some of these suggestions – they are ready to dig you out, hold you up, and get messy in the process. Let them.
Level 4: Reach out and ask someone to help. I know, it’s HARD. Someone who offered in the past but maybe you turned down, someone you know would actually be happy to help. Doesn’t have to be a big thing, just some thing. Practice asking, letting that vulnerability show, acknowledge that while you could do it, maybe someone else could too. The help and relief you feel will likely be far greater than the inconvenience they may feel. Thank them!
Level 5: Identify your “ride or die” people. Know who you can reach out to unexpectedly so that in a moment of panic. There is no list for what this might be because in a Caregiver’s world there are unlimited ways for life to go sideways. Who can you call in the middle of the night to be there with your kids while you take your Care Recipient to the emergency room? Who could you call when you spouse is out of town, a tire is flat, and someone has a doctor’s appt in 45 minutes that was scheduled 6 months ago? Who can you call when you are crying on the kitchen floor because you feel so overwhelmed?
Here’s the thing – if you don’t try out the first levels, learning both WHO to trust and HOW to trust, and you find life is at a Level 5 without prep, you’re going to be in trouble. You might feel angry that no one ever helps you. You might think that no one sees all the hard work you do or appreciates you. Most likely, they DO see you but by you refusing help earlier, you distanced them, maybe even made them feel like you decided they weren’t good enough to help you. You never gave them the chance to support you before and now your frustration at yourself is coming out ugly towards them.
Givers need to learn how to receive, practice receiving, and eventually become comfortable in it. This doesn’t mean expecting others to do everything but accepting others doing something. You will be a better Caregiver for your Care Recipient if you aren’t exhausted. You will be a better friend if you give and receive. You will be a better human if you don’t try to run the whole world by yourself and then be angry with others that they’ve “let” you.
There are professional options too – not just friends and family – that can take some of the burden off of the primary Caregiver. Some respite services can be no or low-cost. Volunteer programs to help around the house, assist with rides, or advise on state and federal programs. Adult Day programs can provide some care relief in a safe environment. Home Care or respite placement in a care community are private pay options, but can be well worth it for the mental, emotional, and physical break it provides.
CareTreks can help you learn how to search for, vet, and engage with respite and support services to make your Caregiving Journey a bit smoother and how to be better prepared for the unexpected without going into panic mode.